


Softly And Sincerely

by steampunkcircus



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxious Barry Bluejeans, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Barry Bluejeans Needs a Hug, Campaign: Balance (The Adventure Zone), Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, It's That One Scene that Griffin talks about, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Other crewmembers are there but not very important, Pre-Relationship, Pre-relationship blupjeans, Social Anxiety, Trying not to cry, barry gets tired and anxious and overwhelmed, lup doesn't let him get away with Just Not Dealing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26482381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steampunkcircus/pseuds/steampunkcircus
Summary: Barry felt it first. During a particularly challenging year, Lup caught him crying, and she softly and sincerely consoled him. And just for a moment, the professional wall between them came down, and something shone through.Barry has always dealt with feeling "off" or "bad" for "no good reason" on his own. Lup reminds him that he's not as alone as he thinks he needs to be.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925251
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	Softly And Sincerely

_ "Oh, h-hey!" _

It had been cold and hard most of their time on this plane. There weren't many civilizations on the planet, and the few they encountered were distrustful of outsiders. It had taken most of the year, but they found the Light and didn't have to fight anyone for possession of it. The whole planet had been stuck in winter since they got there and finding food had been difficult. But at last, spring had arrived.

Nothing was particularly wrong that day. Nothing was particularly wrong at all. They were still running from the Hunger. They still didn't know how to stop it. They had the Light this cycle. There was more food, more sun. Magnus and Merle had died a few months back, but the rest of the crew was relatively healthy.

So why did it feel like there was a jagged hole carved in Barry's chest? His breathing was difficult. His heart ached with each beat. The pain crept up his neck and clouded his mind, making the world outside himself a bit harder to perceive, a bit harder to deal with. But it was nothing he couldn't handle. There wasn't anything wrong with him, physically. So he needed to just... stop feeling like this.

_"There's nothing wrong. Did you need something?"_

Why couldn't he stop feeling like this?

The ache had crept up on him as the day wore on. He felt weighed down. He couldn't act like it, though. He didn't want anyone asking what was wrong. Because nothing was wrong. He sat through dinner, only half tasting the warm, easy soup and only listening to the conversation enough that his face showed the right reactions at the right times. 'Appear engaged without needing to devote too much of your brain to the conversation.' It was something he had perfected long ago. If he did it right, no one noticed he hadn't said a word the whole time. And he usually did it right.

"Well," Lup said, and Barry could feel the air shift. He was about to be pulled into whatever it was she was talking about, somehow. "Bluejeans here would know about that. He's a nerd. Possibly King Nerd."

_"You don't need to worry about me. Heh. I'm- I'm good."_  


He smiled and laughed with them.

When dinner ended, Barry helped clear the table and wash the dishes. He was present. Seen. But he didn’t have to engage with anyone. If he did it right, no one would notice when he slipped off later. Be seen for a while, then retreat- that was the best way he had found to avoid being accused of "not being part of the team" or "disappearing as soon as possible" or any other such phrase. Phrases that meant he was doing something wrong when he would shut himself in his lab or bedroom with whatever distraction he found for himself. Hiding until the feeling that his skin was vibrating and his bones were turning to stone and his eyes were too weak to focus and his ears were too sharp to filter out irrelevant noise- Until all that faded. 

It was a lot of work, avoiding appearing cold or standoffish. But not as much work as dealing with people who had decided that he was those things. Not as much work as having to explain himself every time he wanted to be alone, or didn't talk enough, or was "just acting weird". Not as much work as trying to explain how he felt when he felt like this. Or why he felt like this.

"Bluejeans." The Captain waited at the entrance to the kitchen for Barry's attention.

"Yeah?" He was elbow deep in washing dishes for Lucretia to dry, but they were almost done. He hoped whatever Davenport wanted wouldn't keep him long.

"How far along is your analysis of the elemental planar distances and their possible effect on the seasons here? I know I asked you to get it to me by next weekend, but-"

_But you need the report early,_ Barry completed in his head. "Oh. I need to copy over everything I have with some unit changes. Is- can it wait until tomorrow morning? Or do you need it tonight?"

Davenport's eyebrows rose for just a moment before a smile crossed his face. "I was about to offer you another week to complete it. I know those measurements aren't easy to get accurately, and that you're basically inventing the math behind everything." He nodded. "Good work, Bluejeans. Don't rush to get the final copy to me, but I'm excited to see what you found."

"Ah, no- not a big deal, Captain. Uh. But, thanks?"

Davenport left and Barry finished the dishes, thinking about how he should have used the right units in his calculations in the first place. It only made _sense_ to use units that required fewer conversions along the way, no matter how much less common those units were than the ones he used in the first place.

He was so tired.

_"Please just- I'm_ fine. _I'm fine."_

Why did he have to feel like this?

Somehow, _somehow,_ he had finally escaped to his lab. He had to use one of his higher level tactics and claim to have a vague malady, like a headache, that no one could challenge to get out of hanging out with the others in the lounge. Actually, in this case, he did have a headache along with everything else. Regardless, he was in his lab, and he was alone. He reminded himself that he couldn't use those types of excuses too often, or he would face suspicion. Or concern (arguably worse than suspicion).

Some amount of time later, Barry realized he had zoned out. He should have started working on something. He should have used that time for research, or brainstorming, or going over his old notes. His notebook was right in front of him on the lab bench. Why didn't he open it when he sat down? He hadn’t even bothered to turn on the lab’s lights.

_"Please..."_

His mind had answers for that question. It had answers for why he felt the way he did right then, why he hadn't managed to just _get over it_ already. Then, it had answers for him about so many other things.

He would never research fast enough or well enough to find the knowledge needed to defeat the Hunger. There was no spell he could craft or create or wield that would make a difference. The multiverse was depending on him, and he wasn't going to be enough.

He would never design an experiment that would give them an advantage. No science he could pull out of his brain would make their ship faster or the Light easier to find or the Hunger slower. He would never grasp the inner workings of the laws and mechanisms of the universe well enough to explain or deconstruct the Hunger.

And, his mind supplied, that meant that no one on the ship was safe. No one on any plane they visited was safe. Getting out of this situation was on the head science and engineering guy. He was here to protect the team from all problems short of those physical dangers their security officer handled. Barry himself was the reason no one was okay. So how could he expect to _feel_ okay, knowing that everyone-

The click of the door snapped Barry out of his mind and back to reality. Someone was in the lab and- shit he could feel his eyes had already been welling with tears. He _could not_ cry in front of a crew member. He couldn't let himself cry in front of anyone.

"’Sup, Barold?" Lup stepped in and closed the door. She didn’t bother with the lights, either, using dark vision to locate the book of ancient curses she had been studying lately.

He stared hard at the ceiling and took a breath to try and steady himself enough to look calm, normal, not like he has been seconds away from crying. He turned to face the door. "Oh, h-hey!" He gripped the edge of the lab table to hide the trembling in his hands.

She squinted at him and came around the table to stand in front of him. "You okay? You seem kind of off. Something go wrong with your nerd math?"

He shrugged. He _really_ didn’t want to deal with ‘Why are you acting so weird?’ type questions right now. The weight of the emptiness in his chest was growing. "There's nothing wrong. Did you need something?"

"You really don't look..." She placed the back of her hand on his forehead, then moved it to the side of his face. He pulled a few inches away, just enough to signal a clear 'please stop.'

"You don't need to worry about me. Heh. I'm- I'm good." _Liar,_ his mind said. _You're drowning here. You're letting everyone down. If you're_ good _with that, then there's something even worse wrong with you._

"I'mmmmm not really much of a worrier." She crossed her arms and looked him in the eye for a moment, almost daring him to look away.

He did look away. He had to. He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep the panic out of his eyes. He didn’t want pity, he didn’t want judgement, he didn’t want to have to find a way to talk her out of feeling responsible to do anything about his own messed up thoughts and feelings and… and just all of him.

"Please just- I'm _fine._ I'm fine."

"Barry..."

The concern on her face. The half step she took closer to him. The hand she put on his upper arm. They hurt.

Before he could even take a breath, he was caving into that chasm in his chest, tears filling his eyes too quickly. He needed- He needed to get away. He needed her to leave. He needed _not to cry in front of his coworker._

"Please..." He managed that one rough word, his head down, a hand sliding under his glasses and covering his eyes. He tensed to hold his feelings at bay just a few seconds longer. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't escape. He couldn’t _breathe._

In a tone of voice he had only ever heard her use with Taako, she said, “C’mere.”

Her arms wrapped around him. He returned the hug on autopilot.

"It's okay to have bad days, Barry."

Those whispered words were enough for him to start breathing again.

"You don't have to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. Not with me. And I'll bet you none of the others would want that, either."

He squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his forehead to her shoulder.

"You don't have to hide like this."

He was fighting, still fighting to steady his breathing, to control the shaking in his arms, to hold onto the ache in his throat and head and eyes because the second he stopped fighting-

"We all love you."

He didn't know _why_ those words cleared away all the tension and need for control and fear of judgement within him.

He didn't know why he was feeling those things in the first place.

But for the first time in years- longer than he'd been on The Starblaster, that was for sure-

Barry opened up, just the smallest bit, the part of himself that ached and screamed and couldn't let him rest.

And he let someone else see. He let someone else in. He gave in and cried.

Lup’s kind words continued as if his tears and trembling and quiet wimpers were no big deal. One of her hands rubbed his shoulder the whole time. What felt like hours, but was probably minutes later, when Barry was capable of feeling anything other than the anxious, grieving, homesick, terrified, exhausted feelings flowing out with his tears, he found his breathing syncing with the slow brush of her hand.

A moment fell over the lab where the only sounds were their breathing and the hum of the Bond Engine, the two of them still holding on to each other.

"How are you doing?" she whispered.

Barry released her and straightened himself on the lab stool. He took a moment to run his robe sleeve over his face and look for his glasses. (He didn’t remember when his glasses had come off, but he knew Lup must have done it, because they sat neatly facing him with the arms folded up, instead of unfolded and probably upside down a bit too close to the edge of the table, the way he usually put them down.)

“I’m uh…” He felt… numb. Light. Not “better” necessarily, the chasm in his chest was still there. But the rough edges had been smoothed, and maybe it was a few inches shallower. “I’m okay, now.” He took the box of tissues Lup held out to him, pulling a few to clean his face properly. “For real now, though. Not just, uh-”

“Not just lying to get rid of me?” She leaned against the table and plucked a tissue from the box to dab at the shoulder of her robe.

He winced, both from being called out, and at seeing what his facial secretions had done. “Oh, geez, sorry about-”

“Nope!” She cut him off. “It’s all good. Just part of what happens, y’know?”

He hummed in response. “Yeah, I guess so.” He cleaned his glasses and put them back on. They made him aware of just how puffy his face felt.

“So…” Lup tapped her fingers against the counter. “What now? Do you wanna talk about it? Do you want me to act like the last few minutes never happened? I can make hot chocolate. I know a recipe that doesn’t use milk but still tastes good. Or, I know we don’t have multiverse-champion-cuddler Magnus, but I could probably initiate a pretty decent cuddle pile with everyone.”

What did he want?

“I think, uh.” He really just wanted to read until he fell asleep. “Not that those don’t sound pretty good- like, I’m definitely gonna take you up on that hot chocolate the next time we end up somewhere cold- but I think I’m just gonna hit the hay.”

“Yeah, I get that. Cha’girl usually drinks enough water to get rid of the post-crying headache and then… Well, then I usually make Taako talk to me until I’m asleep.” She headed to the door.

“Water, right,” he muttered to himself, rubbing at the ache behind his forehead.

“Hey, Barry?” she said. He looked up. “We’re not here alone, you know?”

He nodded, smiling a bit. “I think I’m getting that, yeah.”

“I meant what I said. It’s okay to have bad days. And it’s okay to need people.”

He didn’t know what to say to that, so he didn’t.

She turned and walked out the door, giving him a quick wave without looking back, raising the hand holding her book over her head. “Keep your chin up, nerd.”

He marveled that he was laughing after the day he’d had. The lab door swung shut behind Lup.

That was the first time Lup called him a nerd without it feeling like a barb.

In fact, maybe this time, he even liked it.

Something changed that day. Many somethings, perhaps. But to Barry, that would always be the moment he knew.

He would love her forever.

It was an inevitability.

**Author's Note:**

> And so I finally enter the taz fandom. I identify with Barry J Bluejeans so very much.
> 
> I've started a Bad Things Happen Bingo card, and this is the first fic I made from the prompts. You can see it on my tumblr at [the-badass-journal-keeper](https://the-badass-journal-keeper.tumblr.com/). Please say hi, I'm still pretty new to the fandom and I'd love some fandom friends!


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